Look at these precious pups. They love you, and know that you’ve had to work so hard to get to where you are today. When you interviewed at your current finance job, nobody even knew that you were the CEO’s nephew, probably. Their pink tongues are so adorable! Also, when you were a kid, your parents were so busy running their real estate company that they sometimes had to take turns going to your swim meets, and you wanted them both there! These little guys understand your plight.

Eek! Look at his wittle feet! Remember that time you got pulled over for speeding, because you were speeding but only by a little, and when the officer said, “Do you know why I pulled you over,” and you said, “Because you have a quota to meet,” and then you didn’t end up with your head slammed into the hood of your car, or have your chest stomped in? You’re so clever, and the police officer really just appreciated your devil-may-care charm. Sure he wrote you a ticket, but when you didn’t pay it and had to go to court over it, the judge said, “I see you were only going 8 over. Thank you for showing up on time, and wearing a tie. I’m going to drop the fine, have a good day.” The American justice system works. It’s the best in the world.

Look at those eyes! Meow! Don’t even think about how your grandparents bought all those savings bonds for you when you were still in the womb, allowing you to really focus on that college sorority life, and graduate debt free. Everyone has grandparents like that, it’s totally normal. It’s so fun how it has that little patch of black fur on only one side of its face. It was also so fun that your grandparents let you live in their old house, rent free, until you found a nice townhouse of your own.

What is even happening here? Is this lil baby wearing a shirt? It’s too much! Sure, the cotton is picked by workers on starvation wages, and made in a factory by tiny hands that should be playing with Legos, but hey—when you walk by someone’s car at the gas station, they don’t even quickly make sure their doors are locked, and that’s pretty nice of them. You don’t know, people just seem to think you’re a good guy. It’s probably your smile.

You grew up in a kinda rough neighborhood, mostly black, and since you were the only white kid, some of the other kids you played with would call you “cracker,” and it hurt your feelings. Fortunately, in middle school your family got the heck out of there, and what is it about these elephants? Is it the ears, those long eyelashes, the way they love so deeply? Also, it’s so neat how you can walk into a store, and no one follows you around to make sure you don’t steal. No, it’s probably the trunk. Beautiful.

Okay, maybe cute isn’t the right word for this hippo, but is so captivating you won’t even notice that its habitat in the Ivory Coast is right next door to some child slaves harvesting cocoa for us!

Thank goodness for these precious distractions, or you might have to sit uncomfortably in this realization that your light skin has certainly given you an advantage since birth. Yikes.