In an effort to keep the population equipped during a national crisis, the American Psychological Association released a memo advising all US residents to calmly log out of social media, remove their phone battery, and walk slowly toward the ocean.
“As you know, this is an unprecedented time in history,” said APA President Shullman. “It’s not just the fires and the National Guard. Between the people who want the country to burn down, the people who want to looters to be stoned to death, and the people who don’t want anything to change at all, we’re looking at a rock-bottom moment for national social media.”
One excerpt from the memo reads: “In these difficult times, you may feel torn between fighting ignorance in the comments section, and feeling like nothing you do can make a difference. After numerous tests, we’ve found the best option is to switch the old beeper off, kick back with a friend, and maybe have a couple of cold ones.”
The guide ends with advice on how to productively channel your anger on the internet. “If you really feel you must fight bigotry, avoid posting inflammatory remarks that could hurt others – instead, get a gun and take over your local precinct, you pussies. The revolution isn’t happening on your senile uncle’s Facebook page.”