Jason Stark, an incompetent and recently furloughed manager, is taking this opportunity away from work to spend more time with his family: “I have a lovely wife, two kids and a dog that rarely get to see me. Now I can spend all day with them! This pandemic has ruined a lot of people’s lives, but I won’t let it ruin mine.”

“He’s ruining our lives,” his wife Becky says. The family has already resorted to taking extended bathroom breaks, while Becky keeps running out for random errands. “When I go shopping, I purposely forget basic ingredients just so I can go back out,” Becky says. “I used to have the TV all to myself in the morning, but now Jason’s asking me what we want to do today while I’m watching The View. Bitch, can’t you see Whoopi’s talking?”

Jason sits down with his kids, “Ethan, Brayden, I know I hardly had time to play with you before, but what do you say we pull out your Paw Patrol toys and play?” “Paw Patrol’s for babies, dad,” Ethan says. “Yeah we stopped playing with those two years ago,” Brayden adds, “We’re into Fortnite now.” “I hear you. Why don’t we build a fort together then?” The kids look at each other. “So when are you going back to work, dad?”

By Andrew Eff