Researchers for the World Health Organization and the National Institutes of Health have identified the main culprit of injuries in adults over 28: yawning weird. “We don’t know what it is about the year 29, but as soon as you hit it, your body becomes more susceptible to even the slightest awkward move,” the study read. “If you yawn right when you awake in the morning, the risk of getting that ‘scrunchy feeling’ more than quadruples. You can do some elaborate arched-back and head-tilted contortion on the eve of your 29th birthday, no problem, but if you do that same maneuver the morning you turn 29 a searing pain will travel from the base of your old, decrepit skull all the way to your gnarly toes that overnight have sprouted exactly three perfectly curled ringlets.” According to the report, there is nothing one can do to avoid this injury. Bananas, water, living an active lifestyle. It does not matter. Death is near.

By Emily Sanchez