Cheyenne, WY—

Detailing a harrowing brush with interminable baby crying on last week’s ill-fated United Flight from Albuquerque to Cheyenne, one of the passengers painted the grim picture of the hour leading up to the crash.

“I was hoping to get some shut-eye because I’d been up all night,” said Albuquerque resident Peter Jefferson. “And this baby is crying…and crying…and crying nonstop for 45 minutes. I’m like, what does this little shit want? Whatever it is, give it to him. Shut him up. I can’t take it anymore.”

But when the plane then took a sudden dive, Jefferson knew something was seriously wrong. A mechanical malfunction had left the craft with no power, and it began descending uncontrollably. “As we plunged,” reported Jefferson, “the baby stopped crying. Made sense because it felt like your stomach was just up in your throat. It was hard to breathe. I’m sure the baby felt the same way and he just couldn’t belt out those insufferable wails anymore. I was worried about dying but I thought, well, at least my final moments won’t be listening to THAT.”

As the plane crashed in the Rocky Mountains, Jefferson was one of the lucky ones. “There was this silent eerie chill all around me. I was so grateful to be alive, with no injury but a broken ankle. I knew from looking around that so many of my fellow passengers had perished – probably even that baby that I had been a jerk about resenting. I wondered why God spared me, and started praying that the search party would find us before…and then I hear it. Just a quiet whimper at first. And then it gets louder and louder, and I’m like, yep, I’d recognize that cry anywhere. That little mother-fucker is still balling his eyes out. How long am I going to have to lie here and listen to this?! Can’t the parents shut him up? Jesus!”

Eventually the baby did quiet down, but he was taken to the same emergency room as Jefferson, where the baby picked up right where he’d left off.

By Holly Love

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