Washington D.C. —

Today the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) announced a never-before-seen achievement of a 0 percent unemployment rate. While there have been unemployment rates as low as 1.2% in the U.S., this is the first that there’s been 0%. “It really is quite an accomplishment for this great nation,” exclaimed William W. Beach, commissioner of the BLS. “It really boiled down to not counting anyone who was unemployed and instead focus our attention on the citizens that were actively employed.”

While the method has been deemed controversial for its omissions, the White House stood by the methods used by the Bureau. “Today is a great day for the economy and the U.S.,” Trump proclaimed as a recent rally. “Never before have we, as a nation, achieved 0% unemployment. Ever. My opponents seek to undermine this great success by saying that we failed to count people out of work. Well, quite frankly, those people are nobodies. They’re leeches, they want everything but work for nothing, they don’t exist. We do.” At press time, the bureau continued to refuse commenting on the millions of Americans who were unable to find work or were abruptly laid off due to the ongoing pandemic caused by COVID-19. Trump continued his support of not counting out-of-work citizens by plainly stating, “It works for COVID; it works for unemployment.”

By Zach Englund