Charles Michel, President of the European Council, announced on Tuesday that visitors from a specific “shithole country” would not be welcome in the European Union, at least until November. “Why are we having all these people from this shithole country wanting to come here? When the United States sends travellers to Europe, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have a lot of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing disease. They’re bringing MAGA hats. They’re racists. And some, I assume, are good people,” said Michel in a press conference. Michel expressed particular distaste for recent social media videos involving public tantrums over mask requirements as well as lawyers defending their gated communities with assault weapons. “Who the hell are these people? Were they raised by wolves? It seems like there is an entire half-continent of subhumans who haven’t fully evolved.” Michel promised to revisit the travel ban if a vaccine is later developed for idiocy and rudeness, but he expressed skepticism that any cure will be found. “They’ve had 250 years to become civilized, and they seem to be going in the opposite direction.”

By Fred Gailey