North Fort Myers, FL—

After trying on eight different styles of masks inside Walmart, 31-year-old Tyler McGinnis noticed that none seemed to be able to stay on his face. “I blame his tot-sized junk,” McGinnis’s girlfriend told reporters. “It’s like there’s not enough structural integrity to his body to support the weight of the fabric.”

“We keep hearing the media telling us it’s so important that everyone wear a mask, but if it was really that important, these so-called scientists should make one for the little willies of the world,” she went on to say. “Not every guy has an anaconda, some of them have a delicate garden snake, but they still matter. All lives matter.”

Defeated, McGinnis and his girlfriend climbed into his raised F-650 to enjoy their McDonald’s fries. While she polished off her large Coke and McFlurry, he posted on social media, “You are all so dumb in your masks. How is a little piece of fabric supposed to protect you from a virus, you idiots? All of your babies, and Im sick of this. Your probably scared of your own shadow to, if you don’t like it here, go to Europe or France or something where the government controls everything.”

At the time of this posting, McGinnis was heading down to the gun range by himself to fire off a few rounds before going to yell at a group of protesters who were on the streets trying to get city council to not put back up the beloved statue of Robert E. Lee.

By Emily Sanchez