The EU is preparing to reopen its borders to a select number of countries, and America’s omission from this list has led to a nationwide rise to arms to force our way into Europe. President Trump tweeted shortly after learning of the news “LIBERATE EUROPE!” followed shortly by “SOYBOY BIDEN WOULD BE DOING NOTHING ABOUT THIS. WE NEED TO STORM NORMANDY AGAIN. WE TURNED THINGS AROUND IN WW2, WE CAN DO IT AGAIN FOR THE PROGRESS OF KUNG FLU.”

Although there is a level of dissent, Congress has signed a Declaration of War against the European Union, and there are a number of citizens who couldn’t be happier about this. New Jersey resident Shawn Buffano said, “Our liberties were at stake during World War 2 just as they are now. Freedom isn’t free, and if we need to deploy thousands of troops onto European beaches and take out countless lives so we can have the freedom to tour Europe’s many beautiful countries while not wearing masks or social distancing, so be it!”

St. Louis resident Mary Johnston said, “Enough is enough! My family is sick of looking at the arch. We want to see the Eiffel Tower. If Europe says no because our Coronavirus numbers are a little too high for them, fuck it, let’s take to the beaches again and blast their continental asses!”

By Andrew Froese