Saying his life has been completely turned around, homeless man William Nettle miraculously overcame a lifetime of addiction and trauma, thanks to a passing philosopher with the foresight to donate food instead of money.

“Yes, money is the only real tool to acquire resources,” said the vagabond. “But this sage benefactor knew that I would just spend that money on alcohol. By donating food instead, he freed me from this mental prison and showed me you can overcome anything with enough sandwiches. I can only thank him for knowing what’s best for me, more than I ever could.”

Nettle told reporters he never expects to receive donations of any kind, but admired the local donor and savior, Lenny Cullen, for having a more nuanced policy about giving.  “Just think what life would be like if everyone was this caring. Everyone on the street would be fed and sober – and if we ever want to stop being homeless, we can always try putting our 8-inch subs into an investment account.”

Ending his interview on a positive note, Nettle said, “This is the first time I’ve been sober in 30 years! I most definitely will begin drinking again as soon as I have the means, but in the meantime, this benefactor has done a lot of temporary good to the both of us!”

By William Boffa