Hello, former colony. I must say, you’ve been a sight for sore eyes of late. It sounds like your freedom is causing you a few headaches. As your father, I’m here to tell you it’s all right, you did all you could, and also, I told you so.

I’m afraid to say we all saw this coming. Just like those communists, you know you’re off to a bad start when you start your country by murdering millions of people. By all means, you were just doing what we were doing, but you really took it up a notch! Jolly good show dumping our tea and shooting 25,000 of us. I mean, you could have just waited a bit and signed a piece of paper allowing you to leave peacefully, like Canada and New Zealand and all the rest did, but we are all very impressed by your muscles.

Still, you nincompoops, you do realize that most of your current problems would be lessened if you had just swallowed your pride and stayed British? If you’d stuck with us, you’d have been done with slavery 60 years earlier, done with segregation 20 years earlier, and going to the doctor like a civilized person since 1948. I suppose being held back by the rural underclass you taught to be racist and kept in poverty is a long-running theme here. Have you considered sending them to Australia?

So, old flame, why not get back together again? It’s clear you’re not going to rise up and fight for your healthcare, so maybe getting it from a patriarchal old sugar daddy will suit you better? Because–and this is embarrassing–you folks are starting to get a reputation for having bad teeth and dental care. But, of course, far be it from us to make you feel like we’re telling you what to do. The choice is completely yours. Last I heard, Britain didn’t have hospitals running out of beds and bankrupting millions, but by all means, enjoy having to pay slightly less for tea.