Despite their longtime role in lifting people out of poverty, a new report finds that the vast majority of Americans no longer have access to bootstraps.

“I don’t know how this slipped under the radar for so long,” said Secretary of Labor Eugene Scalia. “Fifty years ago, our bootstrap supply was flourishing. While we systematically kept certain demographics from obtaining them, nevertheless, the average American could pull themselves up while pretending they made the bootstraps themselves. But with our current state of manufacturing, we haven’t successfully received a bootstrap since 1992. Truthfully, the only viable alternative at this point would be to seize the means of bootstrap production.”

In America’s poorest rural areas, residents are feeling let down. “We agreed to cut welfare, education, and mental health services, all with the implicit understanding that there would be sufficient bootstraps in place of these things,” said one voter in West Virginia. “We’re now learning that these services were themselves some of the nation’s largest providers of bootstraps. Now all we got are socks. Can’t pull up shit with socks.”

“Crime’s going up here, but what the hell are we supposed to do?” asked a neighbor. “Just sit here waiting for the bootstrap to arrive? Oh, I should just start my own bootstrap business? With what? You need at least one inch of leather as a downpayment.”

Headline By Andrew Eff, Article By William Boffa