Heavens, Universe –

In a rare show of self-doubt due to downing his third Vodka Martini, God the Father recently disclosed a big fear to fellow deity Marty, the lesser-known God of Condiments.

“Marty, give me your honest opinion. Take a good look at these people I made, especially the ones of genus ‘Dipshittius Americanus.’ I thought I’d endowed them with brains, common sense, diplomacy, insight, compassion – you know, all the things that come standard in the ‘Decent Human Being’ upgrade package.”

“And yet,” God continued, “A lot of them are behaving like complete whack jobs. You’d think I downgraded them to the ‘Mother Fucking Asshole’ package. Dammit, I was so careful when I pulled the kit off the shelf. I must have checked the label like five times.”

“So what I want to know is, in the end, do these creations make me look stupid? I’m afraid of being the laughing stock at the next meeting of Divine Dudes and Dames.”

Marty thought for a minute and responded, “Well, let me ask. Did you give these creations free will?”

God’s face lit up and he jumped up off his throne. “Yes! Yes I did give them free will! I forgot all about that. Such a good point, bro. I just gave these creatures physical vessels to conduct their lives. I didn’t tell them what to do, say, or think. I feel so much better – thank you! It’s not my fault.”

“Eh, it’s still a little bit your fault,” Marty responded. “You probably should have included a reset button on each person that you could push just in case.”

“Hmmm, maybe,” said God. “I just know the next time they give me a planet to bring life to, I’m just going to plant some nice bushes and call it a day.”

by Holly Love