WASHINGTON—

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 to uphold President Trump’s move to let more employers opt-out of the Affordable Care Act mandate guaranteeing no-cost contraceptive services for women citing that the framers of the Constitution never intended for women to be free to work outside the home in the first place.

“Most of our nation’s founders knew that the only sure-fire way to not get the little wife pregnant again was to have sex with your slave,” wrote Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “Where condoms made of sheepskin chaffed and led to infection while still letting some of those little guys slip through, many of our country’s heroes relied on the pullout method when they desired relations with their betrothed, but didn’t want to hear her complain about baby number 14. And it worked.”

“If you’d leave room for the Holy Spirit like you’re supposed to, you wouldn’t need birth control,” wrote Justice Clarence Thomas. “The CDC is telling everyone to stay six feet apart, so this entire thing is simply a waste of the Court’s time.”

One reporter noted that many women are prescribed various methods of birth control for medical reasons that have nothing to do with sex or pregnancy, to which Kavanaugh said, “Ew, gross.”

When asked about the possibility of affordable childcare, or even not slamming women with a $10,000 bill for the audacity of allowing the human race to continue, Chief Justice Roberts brushed these ideas off for being ludicrous. “Those really are women’s issues, and we try to stay out of those as much as possible.”

By Emily Sanchez

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