Washington, D.C. —

Following the Supreme Court’s upholding of the Trump administration’s regulation allowing employers to opt out of birth control based upon religious or moral objection, Americans are fearing that the state is not following proper guidelines for social distancing from church. “We are deeply concerned about the state’s blatant ignorance to safety guidelines when coming in contact with religion,” Sacramento citizen Mark Franco said. “We’re all trying our best to isolate lawmaking from religion, and then we see 7 SCOTUS judges raw dogging it in court with religious exemptions? Not safe. Not cool.”

When reached for comment on the ruling, which defies expert opinion that religion should be quarantined to its house of worship, Clarence Thomas said, “Religious leaders can’t keep their hands off of us. They won’t take no for an answer,” as he attempted to hide an erection.

By Andrew Froese and Kendra Coleman