In what is being called an unprecedented situation in orthopedics, a white person is undergoing critical surgery after a medical team discovered a complete absence of racist bones in his body.
The situation unfolded when Tom O’Sullivan, the Caucasoid patient, had a routine checkup with his doctor. “Everything was going normal,” explained O’Sullivan, “when I noticed there was a different nurse today. Not that there was anything wrong with that. I didn’t even notice she was black at all. In fact, I so strongly didn’t notice, that I went out of my way to bring up that I didn’t have a racist bone in my body. That’s when the problems started.”
“When I heard he didn’t have a racist bone in his body, I called a radiologist immediately,” explained the nurse. “The radiologist examined him and, surely enough, not a shred of bigoted bone or cartilage was there. This strange aberration flies in the face of everything we understood about Caucasian biology. We’ll be giving him corrective surgery immediately. It’s a miracle he’s even held together at all.”
The science on racist orthopedic surgery is still emerging. While researchers haven’t accurately determined how many racist bones a white person should have, the general accepted amount is “few enough to distinguish yourself from the really obvious racists.” It’s believed that racist bones are not genetically heritable from birth, but rather tend to grow during early childhood, somewhere between the ages children are developmentally able to consume media but still too young to identify misinformation.
O’Sullivan’s family was last seen waiting anxiously in the hospital. In a statement, his wife said, “I just hope everything turns out okay and that he, like this country, can go back to how things should be.”