“Look, it’s just unnatural to care about a so-called ‘profession’ wherein 75% of the workers are female. Oh, sorry, the teachers are female, the principals are mostly male, so we try to get the principals’ input when we can,” said a spokesman for the Republican National Committee.

“I know they’re all concerned about safety or whatever, but if they’d just quit being hysterical, and would try calming down, they’d understand that we’re doing everything we can to make this right without crushing our economy,” Florida Governor Ron DeSantis told reporters. “Do they want this nation to crash and burn? Would they be happy then? There’s just no pleasing them. Public school exists because a bunch of whining ‘progressives’ didn’t want kids in coal mines anymore, but also didn’t want to leave them home alone all day. So, here we are. And since God didn’t call more men into the classroom, I guess we don’t need to put too much energy into this. You want to be mad at someone? Be mad at Him.”

Florida Senator Rick Scott admitted his own grandchildren would not be going into a classroom in the fall. “I’m not sending my grandkids to a school building. It has nothing to do with COVID, but there were a few of those poor scholarship kids, and nothing but lady teachers, and we could do without.”

We did not reach out to Secretary of State Betsy DeVos for what we believe are pretty obvious reasons.

By Emily Sanchez