A new lifestyle book by Rufus T. Hoofski, clinical psychologist and large alpine goat, has hit the shelves this week, encouraging domestic and wild readers alike to practice self-care, personal responsibility, and to “stop and eat the roses.” We sat down with Rufus to discuss his new work.

Unsubscribed: Rufus, thank you for standing up with us today. When I read your book, the first thing that stood out to me was an appreciation for positivity and balance in life. What were you trying to accomplish by publishing this book?

Hoofski: Well, we goats don’t like to talk about it, but many of us are struggling. A lot of us are stuck in situations we don’t want to be in, like up a precarious tree or caught in a tire swing, and I just wanted to show them that they had the power in them to climb out of it. The only fire department you need is yourself.

Unsubscribed: Let me read a passage from the book that I really loved:

“Life is a mountain that we’re all climbing, but that doesn’t mean it’s a race. Be sure to stop along the way and eat the roses. Or leaves, weeds, someone’s shoelaces, whatever you can find. In a world of polyester, be cashmere.”

I thought that was so sweet. Would you say this is your personal philosophy?

Hoofski: Absolutely. You know, we’ve only got 18 years on this planet, so sometimes you’ve just got to live it! Go crazy, eat whatever you like, jump around and yell, climb on the roof. Hell, grow a beard!

Unsubscribed: Some people have accused this book of being too lightweight. For example, in one passage you write: “If life gets too much to stomach, remember that you have three more stomachs.” Is this really practical advice to someone, say, living in poverty in a factory farm?

Hoofski: Who told you it was lightweight, a sheep? This book isn’t for degenerates. I’m handing these mammals professional advice on a silver trough, and if they can’t handle it then that’s their problem.

Unsubscribed: Are you suggesting sheep are degenerates?

Hoofski: …look, I didn’t mean that in the way you would interpret it.

Unsubscribed: Now that you’ve brought this up, some of your fans appears to have extremely strong opinions about the Ewes. Do you condone that?

Hoofski: Not at all. All I said, in a certain context, was that maybe the Greeks are onto something with their meat choices.

Unsubscribed: *pauses*

Hoofski: Look, a lot of sheeple media out there twists my words, all because I’m a principled goat psychologist who doesn’t bow down to the post-muttonists.

Unsubscribed: I think we’re just about ready to wrap up.

Hoofski: I was…kidding.

Unsubscribed: …

We thank Rufus for his time and wish him well in his future endeavors. We look forward to seeing him on his wildly successful book tours, once he is released from a facility treating his antibiotic addiction.