Emerging data shows an alarming expansion of the list of people who should fuck off. The survey cross-examined over 100 million conceited jackasses and found that the situation is spreading rapidly and may be transmittable.

For much of human history, people who should fuck off have been clearly defined – slow walkers, BMW drivers, Canadians. In a healthy society, a good 10 percent of people should fuck off at any given time. However, as of July 2020, the list now includes most people on TV, most grandparents, and, most shockingly, you. At the current rate of contagion, by 2040, the entire city of Miami may be buried underneath insufferable assholes. In the time it took to write this paragraph, we needed to expand the graph to reflect yet another surge in cases.

The CDC released guidelines on how to avoid infection, but acknowledged it would be difficult, knowing that people who should fuck off often resist social distancing and masks.

House Democrats are currently working on a bill that aims to reduce our dipshit quotient by 15 percent, but it is not expected to pass the Senate.

By Emily Sanchez and William Boffa