“You want social distancing? Well, look at all these people flooding our supermarkets, and some of them aren’t even that hungry,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell addressed Congress. “Letting unemployment benefits expire will ease traffic flow in our grocery stores. People don’t like having to follow the arrows that are on the aisles, I think. I haven’t bought my own groceries since 1985, but I hear things.”

North Carolina Senator Richard Burr added that he does not believe that the unemployed should be making just a fraction less than gainfully employed Americans, and therefore, should be making nothing. “Letting benefits expire will give hard-working Americans a chance to shop for their nom-noms unencumbered by the lazy ones. If you got laid off or lost your business because of COVID, then do what the beautiful Ivanka suggested, and just find something new. TikTok pays well. Do that.”

The Republican Senate has updated their website to include instructions for how to set up a GoFundMe.

By Emily Sanchez