In a bitter lifelong battle to juggle the needs of the people with the needs of Republicans, House Democrats have introduced legislation cutting the number of poor people in gladiator arenas by half.
“Shamefully, the Republicans’ newest relief package will leave over 10 million Americans without resources, being murdered in a coliseum for sport,” explained Schumer. “However, our progressive new bill will make it illegal to feed more than 5 million people to lions at a given time. And at least 30% have to be women.”
This move has been met with heavy opposition by the Republican party. On his show, Fox News pundit Sean Hannity said yesterday, “What gives the government the right to tell RomeX® how to run their business? If they’re allowed to restrict how many people it can throw into a wood chipper in front of screaming fans, what’s next? Taking their spears and shields away? This is Marxism, folks, and it shows just how out of touch the Democrats are with real Americans.”
All over social media, Trump supporters have shown strong anger against the bill. One post reads: “We back our BRAVE gladiators. I’ve never been killed by one. Maybe if you have, it says more about you than it does about them. Besides, dying is a small price to pay for triggering the libs.”
A small group of radicals in the Pacific Northwest took to the streets with extreme demands to abolish gladiator arenas entirely, but we have since been unable to locate them. It is unclear how successful the bill will be, but Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said she is open to more compromises following their initial compromise.