Washington, D.C. –

Bringing closure to one of the most highly anticipated decisions of the year, presidential candidate Joe Biden has finally chosen his running mate – and it’s none other than former president Barack Obama.

“There’s simply no one else more qualified,” Biden told reporters at a press conference today with Obama by his side. “And one of his many strengths is this: he looks damn good in a dress. And he’s agreed to wear one for my entire run in office because this right here, my fellow Americans, is you lookin’ at me lookin’ at a female VP just as I promised.”

When several reporters pushed back saying that Obama wearing a dress doesn’t make him female, Biden responded, “Now don’t be typical Washington road blockers. If it looks like a woman, and dresses like a woman, it’s a woman. Barry’ll also be talking in a high voice and wearing perfume, so he’ll even sound and smell like a woman. If you’re all gonna cling to the technicality of anatomical parts, don’t forget that I support adopting whatever gender identity you choose. And for the next eight years, my VP here chooses female.”

Right before the press conference ended, Obama touched up his lipstick and asked AOC if he could borrow a tampon.

By Holly Love, Photo edit: Emily Sanchez