The impact of COVID-19 has already pushed the mass automation of jobs, but now it has claimed one of the greatest, oldest industries of all time: sign-holding guys.

The advent of the modern Mechanical Unmanned Signature Posting Clasp (or “sign post”) was feared to be the biggest threat to sign-holding-guy jobs in the 21st century, and the results speak for themselves. “We’ve lost over 3 million members ever since this ‘post’ thing came out,” said the leader of the American Sign-Holding-Guys Union. “These fancy machines can stay upright for hours, days, even years longer than we can. There’s no way we can possibly compete.”

“I had a healthcare plan, pension, and union wage,” says Frank Baker, who has held a Liberty Tax sign for 40 years. “I got out there and wiggled my ass every day and I was proud of it. But now, I have nothing. When the kids in third grade talk about what their daddies do, my daughter can no longer proudly say that I stand in the sun directing attention towards screaming deals on tax preparation. All because futuristic technology can do what I do cheaper. I’m an embarrassment.”

While the decision to automate the industry was openly made by American companies and American legislators purely to protect American capital, most people generally agree that the blame for these redundancies lies squarely on immigrants. “ALL of the human billboard jobs have dried up here in Kentucky,” said a Cash For Gold worker. “Meanwhile, I saw a Portuguese guy working a full-time job at the liquor store. This is not what America is supposed to be about.”

Uber is offering a job relief program for ex-sign-holding-guys, saying that it still needs many workers to hold them over until they can figure out self-driving cars.