Having a kid is a momentous occasion for any couple. Preparing for the arrival of another kid is even more reason for excitement. We, at Unsubscribed, are here with the top 5 reasons your new kid is way better than your old kid:

  1. New kid has brighter future Your older kid will already be well on their way to death and doubtfully going to amount to anything useful. Your new kid will be fresh out of the womb with way more potential and a higher ceiling, plus you can learn from your fuck ups with the older kid to better your new one.
  2. New kid smells better Anything new always comes with that new smell, and that includes your new kid. At this point, your older kid is starting to smell stale. Despite repeated cleanings, waxing, and polishing, it’s just something that naturally happens. Your new kid will come with that new baby smell that made you fall in love with the old kid.
  3. New kid is cuter This is simple science: the first attempt in conceiving a child always comes with some messy mixing as the sperm and egg are still developing an understanding of each other. However, the second time around, your baby makers now know the optimal arrangement of genes to yield a kid devoid of deficiency, unlike the malformed shit storm your old kid is becoming.
  4. New kid will spike attention Whenever you have a child, there’s bound to be an influx of attention as other people — some you won’t even know — will approach you to congratulate you and give both you and the child attention. That naturally wanes over time as people just become sick of your bastard child and don’t want to see the photos you have for the 500th fucking time, so quit asking! That all changes with your new kid, which will reinvigorate the amount of attention you receive as now you have a new son or daughter for strangers to give you a sense of affirmation, you fucking narcissist.
  5. The old kid is dead It’s sad and unfortunate that you didn’t realize your older kid was seriously attempting to do a sick kickflip off the top of the garage into your in-ground pool and fail. It’s not your fault you didn’t have the clairvoyance to know that, not only would your previous kid massively fail, but that they would complete whiff on something as simple as a fucking kickflip, a move Tony Hawk perfected when he was 2, I mean, come on! As melancholy as you might feel about your little piece of shit dying, they clearly weren’t going anywhere in life if they can’t complete the very simple task of jumping off the roof of the garage, complete a single kickflip, (which being that they’re jumping off the roof they have approximately an entire 3-5 seconds to accomplish), and land it in a large in-ground pool — something that Tony Hawk could do in his fucking sleep — they kind of deserved it just for being such a failure.

By Zach Englund