WASHINGTON —

When Joe Biden announced Kamala Harris will be on his ticket, VP Mike Pence has been mercilessly teased about both his debate prowess, and the likelihood that his wife would need to be present to chaperone. Since then, Pence has released a statement explaining that he will not be able to show up to debate Harris because of previously scheduled tum-tum pains, and for absolutely no other reason.

Everyone keeps saying that my wife will have to chaperone, or that Harris will wipe the floor with me, but no one is addressing my persistent and sudden belly pains. I’d love to debate the Senator, but unfortunately, I get these stomach aches whenever the topic is brought up, so I won’t be able to show the American people that I’m perfectly capable of going toe-to-toe with Kamaly. Thank you for your understanding.

Harris expressed her condolences for the Vice President, but said that it would be unlikely that anyone would even notice his absence because he hasn’t had an interesting thing to say in four years.

By Emily Sanchez

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