“The radical left will tell you that our country is on fire,” President Trump said standing in front of a burning nation. “But these embers represent the greatness of this land. Terrific. I’ve turned up the heat on China. Russia. The mid East. They all know I mean business, and they know that we are great. Obama never had fire like this. Sleepy Joe. He wouldn’t know what to do. Probably’d just fall asleep in front of it. Take a little nap, okay.”

“Antifa. Defunding the police. California is on fire. But they don’t vote for me. Let Nancy take care of them after she finishes with her hair. Sad. Everyone says I’m handling this all very well. ‘Mr. President, this nation would be lost without you.’ That’s what they say. I don’t even have to ask them, they just love me,” the President said as the growing flames lapped at his bone-spurred heels.

At publication time, the President was trying to throw Mike Pence onto the flames. “The fire likes virgins, Mike. Do me this one favor!”