CLEVELAND —

As the nation gets anxious about tonight’s presidential debate, Cleveland residents are jumping up and down, giddily laughing and clapping at an event that will prove to be the most exciting thing to happen in Cleveland in decades.

“I still remember in 1995 when the Browns last qualified for the playoffs. What a rush!” Said local loser Aaron Feldman. “This presidential debate will be our new legacy!”

“Our lives are incredibly boring,” Cleveland resident Tom Blaine tells Unsubscribed. “Between getting wasted and tampering with the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Museum memorabilia and getting wasted at the FirstEnergy Stadium and booing the Browns, I’m just looking in the mirror and wondering why I’m even living here. Winter’s coming, too. Fuck!”

By Andrew Froese

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