Bethesda, MD

After five shifts of nurses assigned to President Trump at Walter Reed Hospital observed one too many bare-chested exhibitions by the President, a petition was submitted to treating physician, Dr. Sean Conley, asking for an immediate discharge. “We can deal with vomit, cleaning up feces, and being splattered with blood, but a half-naked Trump is more than we can tolerate,” read the petition. “Get him out of here, stat. He’s fine. You couldn’t kill him with flame-thrower.”

At press time, a dozen nurses threated to resign when the President asked them to accompany him on his limo ride around the hospital.

By Fred Gailey, Photo edit: Emily Sanchez