Buffalo, NY —

Well, it’s official, folks: 41-year-old Sheila Ronson’s hair has successfully infiltrated every single buttcrack in her household. That’s a grand total of 6 buttcracks!

We spoke to Sheila’s husband Gerald about this revelation. “I’m fairly certain that mine was the first crack hijacked by Sheila’s hair, after her own, of course. I would wake up in the morning with long strands of her coarse, brown locks weaved through my fingers and toes. I’d be in the middle of a meeting at work when an intense tickling in my underwear would start to drive me mad. I’d excuse myself to the restroom and pull several feet of hair from the back of my boxer-briefs. She’s the love of my life, but it’s getting out of hand.”

Gerald and Sheila’s three children, Britney (18), Samuel (14), and Dingo (11), all have similar complaints of finding rogue hairs in the most private parts of their bodies. Then two months ago, Britney’s boyfriend, Marcus Frink, came to live with them.

“When Britney and I first started going on dates, the hair wasn’t that big of a deal. I’d pull loose hairs off her sweater that were obviously not her own.” Commented Frink, noting that Britney has short hair that she dyed blue. “But the more I visited her house, the more it became a problem. One time I opened a new bag of honey mustard pretzels, reached inside, and pulled out a wad of hair.”

Frink went on to describe the day that he, too, had become a victim of Sheila’s untamed coif. “About two weeks after I moved in with the Ronsons, I was sitting on the couch watching TV, when I saw a tumbleweed of hair blow across the living room floor. I got up to grab the vacuum, and that’s when I felt it… that strange tickle in my chode. It’s hard for me to even talk about, but it was snaked through my crack and then wrapped up and around my weiner. It’s not okay. Someone needs to do something about this.”

Despite her family’s pleading, Sheila refuses to cut her messy, mischievous mane.

By CarolAnn Liebelt