Washington D.C. In a emotional speech, after he dramatically descended on an escalator recently constructed at the entrance to the White House, Donald J. Trump announced his candidacy for the 2024 Republican Nomination for President. “Wow. Whoa. That is some group of people. Thousands. So nice, thank you very much. That’s really nice. Thank you. It’s great to be at the White House. It’s great to be in a shithole city, Washington. And it’s an honor to have everybody here. This is beyond anybody’s expectations. There’s been no crowd like this.”

“Our country is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don’t have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, COVID in a war? It kills us. I beat COVID all the time. All the time. The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems. But I’m not a politician. I will clean up twelve years of incompetent management from the Trump-Biden administration. Forgotten Americans demand change. I promise I will make America great again!”

By Fred Gailey