The United States of America, found passed out in the gutter after a four-year binge of methamphetamines, racism, xenophobia, and general assholery, reluctantly agreed to enter rehabilitation to try to wean itself off its destructive addictions. “I think I’ve hit rock bottom,” sobbed the remorseful former superpower. “Maybe it’s time to make a change. I’m tired of waking up every morning, when the only thing on my mind is the next fix of belligerence and hate. It has consumed my life.”

Friends expressed support, but were also privately skeptical. “I’ve seen this before,” said Canada. “They say they’re going to clean up, blah blah blah, and the next thing you know they’re enacting voter suppression laws. I’m going to give it a few years to see how this goes.” Germany issued a statement applauding the newfound expressed desire for redemption. “I welcome the U.S.’ willingness to enter a twelve-step program. They’ve admitted they are powerless over racism, and their life has become unmanageable. I want to see what happens when they have to admit the exact nature of their wrongs.”

At press time, the U.S. was unfortunately mesmerized by a YouTube video of a truck allegedly containing stolen ballots.

By Fred Gailey