Here is a list of helpful things to do when you find yourself in this all-too-familiar predicament, you naughty little thing.

  1. Keep yourself on a schedule. You’re more likely to make mistakes when you don’t carefully manage your time. Can’t be playing it all fast-and-loose like you did when you only had one President, Girlfriend. Prep work and planning is the key to success.
  2. Don’t call them by their names. No matter how tight your schedule is, no matter how mindful you think you are, so will slip up on their names. Avoid that awkwardness by just giving them both the same nickname: Tiger, Daddy, or uh – President should work. Stick to your selected nickname, and never ever deviate.
  3. Have separate meeting spots. If you keep taking your Presidents to the same place, one of them is bound to show up when you’re there with your other guy. Having separate rendezvous locals also ensures that the staff won’t slip up and use the wrong name either.
  4. Make them think they’re the only one. This is both accomplished by the way you treat them, and your use of emergency exits and tripping the fire alarm. Each guy needs to feel special. Send them little treats to let them know you’re thinking of them: a nice whiskey, a new set of golf balls, an application to AARP. Their happiness and blinding ignorance is crucial to the entire charade.
  5. And lastly, Remember to make time for yourself. Maintaining two Presidents can be exhausting, and if you don’t carve out a lil’ “me time” every now and then, you’re headed for catastrophe. This is supposed to be fun! Making time for yourself will help you to endlessly please your Big Guy. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty glass.

By Emily Sanchez

One thought on “So You’ve Gone And Gotten Yourself Two Presidents. Now What?

  1. Good one. You have real comedic talent that’s used for something that actually mattrs and isn’t “just” escapist entertainment. Keep up the good work.