Spokane, WA —

Sad news this week as Jay and Martha Beauregard have filed for divorce after 9 years of marriage. Among other things, the couple cited “irreconcilable thermostat settings” on their divorce documents.

“Sometimes things just don’t work out. People grow in different directions,” Martha said. “Unfortunately for Jay, that direction was an arctic tundra inside our living room, and mine was not wanting to lose a limb to frostbite. We are just not compatible.”

An online divorcees survey showed that 91 percent of women were “freezing to literal death” before ending their marriage, while 84 percent of men claimed their home was like “living in Satan’s asshole.” Conversely, only 3 percent of divorced women questioned why their spouse wanted them to constantly feel like “an abandoned toddler in a locked car” while 6 percent of divorced men felt like they were “trapped on Hoth after sunset.”

By CarolAnn Liebelt