Washington, D.C.-

In a twist on a Thanksgiving tradition, the White House Turkey pardoned the President during a press conference on Wednesday morning. “This morning at 12:01 AM, Donald J. Trump resigned from the Presidency of the United States. In my new capacity as President, pursuant to the pardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of the Constitution, now, therefore I do grant a full, free and absolute pardon unto Donald J. Trump for all offenses against the United States, including, but not limited to, tax fraud, violations of campaign finance laws, sexual assault, violations of the emoulments clause, obstruction of justice, and being an asshole and a dickhead. Our long, national nightmare is over.”

In Manhattan, New York District Attorney Cyrus Vance stated he was preheating his oven to 350° and sharpening his carving knives.

By Fred Gailey