Plainville, WI —

Local man Ed Martin owns one of the biggest fucking trucks in town, and, amazingly, he actually has a big dick. Much to the bewilderment of everyone who sees him driving around in his massive penis compensator, Martin legitimately has a remarkable schlong. The women in town are pleasantly surprised. “You’d think he was packing a tic tac or something riding that jacked up Chevy, you know?” Angela Kiesel told Unsubscribed right after blowing Martin. “Like just some mosquito bite microdick or, at best, a Babybel cheese wheel. But no, dude’s hung like a walrus.” As he roars across the highway in his unnecessarily large, customized pickup with specialized giant wheels, Martin is apparently not at all trying to cover up any lacking of his manlihood. “This fucking guy rides around town in this monolith on wheels, and he’s packing a god damn rocket in his trousers,” remarks local resident Scott Hamilton. “He’s supposed to have a baby trouser snake, not a python. Un-fucking-believable.”

By Zach Englund