Within the past months, multiple teams have been forced to place players on a COVID-19/Reserve list and delay games. In trying to curb the rampant spread of COVID-19 throughout the NFL, commissioner Roger Goodell announced new guidelines, including players practicing social distancing when making a tackle. “We pride ourselves in our protocols and not screwing things up like the MLB,” commissioner Goodell explained to Unsubscribed, “but clearly more needs to be done. All players must now remain physically distanced by six feet or more while tackling. We know this will work because the CDC said so.”

The new rule will help to reduce the spread, but many detractors have attacked the new policy on its vague implementation. “How do you tackle someone from six god damn feet away?” A player who wished to remain anonymous told us. “You gotta somehow reach your arms out? Like Michael Jordan did in Space Jam? Even then, most of these guys are over 200 pounds! Am I supposed to just shout ‘tackle!’ from a distance?”

At press time, the NFL did not comment on how a player could tackle another player, but added that blocking would also need to be done from at least six feet away.

By Zach Englund