"Hey! (Applause.) What’s going on? (Applause.) Thank you all so much. You guys, that’s a command — rest yourselves. (Laughter.) We’re almost at the end. (Laughter.) Hello, everyone. And, may I say for the last time officially, welcome to the White House. Yes! (Applause.) Well, we are beyond thrilled to have you all here to … Continue reading Melania Thanks Husband Barack, Daughters Sasha And Malia In Farewell Speech
Trump Testing Out Tinder
I love to talk about MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD and FIGHTING TO STOP THE STEAL.
Biden’s Dogs All That’s Getting Man Through Day
"Look at them! Champ and Major, what a world. Presidential puppers, how have we made it 4 years without a Presidential pupper? But my God, it's happening. Yes, sir, look at you guys with those deep, soulful eyes and shiny coats," Sam Sherman, 39, said scrolling through his phone, scratching their scruffy little necks on … Continue reading Biden’s Dogs All That’s Getting Man Through Day
Trump Credits Self For Single-Handedly Increasing Presidential Impeachments By 100%
"We have a booming economy of impeachments," the President railed to staffers. "We'll get no credit for it by the liberal media though because they refuse to see the good work I'm doing. I did this. Me. Nobody helps me. Before us, only two impeachments, and now there are four. I have more articles. Sad. … Continue reading Trump Credits Self For Single-Handedly Increasing Presidential Impeachments By 100%
Juiced Up On Insurrection, Ted Cruz Seen Sporting Fresh New Piercing
After a tumultuous few days, Senator Cruz was seen about the Hill rocking a bitching new earring. "It's not that I'm happy about the lil' coup, it's that I get it. I mean, they are right about the libs." Abuzz with images of the brief Capitol takeover, Cruz reportedly had an aide's niece's best friend … Continue reading Juiced Up On Insurrection, Ted Cruz Seen Sporting Fresh New Piercing
Trump Returns To Bunker To Hide As Allied Powers Close In
After a deleted Tweet saying that he's been fighting a war on two fronts and feels like he's running out of time, the President has withdrawn to his bunker to await the Allied invasion. "I will always love my homeland, but you have been overrun by vermin and I now find you repulsive. And frankly, … Continue reading Trump Returns To Bunker To Hide As Allied Powers Close In
Twitter CEO: We Just Now Realized He Violated Our Terms Of Service
Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced a permanent suspension of Donald Trump's Twitter account, after discovering a few of his posts may have violated their terms of service. "We received some complaints over the past decade about inappropriate content on @realDonaldTrump, but obviously we cannot police every user on Twitter," said Dorsey. "We received a handful … Continue reading Twitter CEO: We Just Now Realized He Violated Our Terms Of Service
Ben Carson Pretty Sure He Resigned Like A Year Or Two Ago
"What? No, I don't think I still work at the H U D. I quit a while ago," HUD Secretary and renowned neurosurgeon Ben Carson told the press. "I think I left there maybe one, two three years ago." Spotting their confusion, Carson's wife stepped in to explain. "Oh, my Ben is brilliant. But he's … Continue reading Ben Carson Pretty Sure He Resigned Like A Year Or Two Ago
Trump Promises To Never Stop Fighting The American People
"Look, as long as I have breath in my beautiful body, I will never, they always tell me that, everyone says it. The police, I love them. I will never stop fighting the American people," Trump told his ungrateful nation. "You are the reason we are here. This mess is yours. Russia, Russia and Hillary … Continue reading Trump Promises To Never Stop Fighting The American People
Trump Worried What Real Prison Like After Horrors He Endured During Social Media Prison
“I was imprisoned with no parole for 24 hours. No access to my favorite 280 characters, no followers, no all caps rants. Is this what real prison is like? I hope not. I don't want to know. Well, I should, you know, in case I have to throw Eric under the bus. I could ask Paul Manafort, but I don't like talking to losers.”