Washington, D.C. —

“Yesterday, my fundamental right to access Twitter was suddenly and forcefully taken from me, like Antifa taking candy from a baby,” Trump announced at an emergency White House press briefing. “I was imprisoned with no parole for 24 hours. No access to my favorite 280 characters, no followers, no all caps rants. Is this what real prison is like? I hope not. I don’t want to know. Well, I should, you know, in case I have to throw Eric under the bus. I could ask Paul Manafort what prison is like, but I don’t like talking to losers.”

By Andrew Froese