After a tumultuous few days, Senator Cruz was seen about the Hill rocking a bitching new earring. “It’s not that I’m happy about the lil’ coup, it’s that I get it. I mean, they are right about the libs.” Abuzz with images of the brief Capitol takeover, Cruz reportedly had an aide’s niece’s best friend who “does this stuff all the time” puncture his lobe with a safety pin. “Quit flinching,” Tia Montgomery, 13, told the Senator. “Hold still, I’m almost done.”
“Unfortunately, it’s a little irritated today,” Cruz told reporters. “But that’s nothing compared to how I feel about the Democrats stealing the election. It’s not infected, it’s fine. Everything’s fine, Tia says it’s supposed to look like this.” Cruz also noted that Matt Gaetz of Florida got his tongue re-pierced to commemorate the day, so we shouldn’t hear from him for a few more days.
By Emily Sanchez