After President Biden announced a plan to provide $3000 per child age six through 17 and $3600 for those under six, deadbeat father of two Jim Hopple realized his greatest regret was abandoning his family.

“I don’t know, it just hit me. What am I doing with my life? I’m just going to walk out on $3,000?! Who does that?! My oldest is 19, so I guess I’m out that check, but my sweet baby is 17, so I think she meets the criteria. I can’t wait to see them, it’s been far too long. God, I can’t even remember their middle names. I think Jim is the oldest one’s, but that little Emmy or Emma, well whatever it is, thank you Mr. President for helping to reunite my family.”