After a sham of an opening statement, attorney Bruce Castor sheepishly admitted he completely forgot that he was part of Trump’s defense team.

I realize I pointed out that I know the difference between prosecution and defense, and I swear I do, but I got about 45 minutes in and realized that the ones nodding along were all the democrats, but by then I was in too deep and decided to double down. I didn’t have any notes with me, just some doodles and napkins from Wendy’s. Frankly, I’m shocked I ever agreed to the gig in the first place. My God, at one point I blacked out and when I came to, I was explaining how records work, you know, there’s a needle and they spin. But nothing compared to when I confirmed that the American people had spoken and decided to change Presidents. Hand to Thomas Jefferson, if I didn’t know that Republicans already had their minds made up, I might feel a little badly about my performance.”

By Emily Sanchez