Tragic news out of Houston, TX today. It has been confirmed that, in a state of desperation, Texans have eaten Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliot.
As an unprecedented winter storm has gripped the state, leaving many without power, water, or quality barbecued meats, many citizens felt they had no choice but to cannibalize the star athlete.
Houston resident Charles Buxton witnessed the event, stating “Ezekiel Elliot drove through my neighborhood to hand out bottled water to people in need, but as he was bending over to open a new case, we couldn’t help but notice how muscular and inviting his legs were. I leaned in for just a little bite. It’s as if everyone on my street was thinking the same thing at the same time, because before you know it, we were passing out prime cuts of delicious Elliot meat to the whole neighborhood!”
It seems the cannibalistic event really brightened the spirits of these Texas residents, as a block party started to form. People were friendly and smiling as they lined up with their plate, eagerly waiting for their filet o’ football player.
Unfortunately, those warm feelings dwindled along with the last few bites of Elliot’s flesh, as people then became frenzied, and began turning on one another.
“I says, ‘everybody just calm down!’” Remarks Bill Turnbull, a resident who scored a large portion of Elliot’s calf muscle. “We are not animals!! This isn’t who we are! Why are we attacking each other when we have a whole roster of delicious Dallas Cowboys at our disposal?’ So we all bundled up and started heading out. Personally, I’ve got my eye on that Andy Dalton fella. The way they coddle NFL quarterbacks these days… you know he’s gonna be nice and tender.”
By CarolAnn Liebelt