The Center for Disease Control has announced that the United States will soon mark 500,000 conspiracy theories. “Only about half of these theories are directly related to COVID-19,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci. “There are the familiar stories about Bill Gates implanting Microsoft products within the vaccine, and a (still alive) Jeff Epstein using COVID-19 wards as restaurants to serve toddler-meat, but there are also some novel new plots that have nothing to do with the epidemic. I particularly enjoyed the social media posts about Betty White carrying Satan’s quintuplets, and Billie Eilish seizing control of the Illuminati.”

Economists attest to the U.S.’ undisputed mastery in spreading insane bullshit. “No nation on this earth will ever challenge us on our ability to manufacture stories comprised of incoherent gibberish,” said a proud President Biden, “And no country shall ever approach the ability of our people to consume gobbledegook, mumbo-jumbo, and malarkey. As we pass this half-million landmark, let us reflect on the endless supply of balderdash and drivel our great nation has produced,” said the President. U.S. officials plan to mark the milestone with the erection of a new monument on the National Mall, memorializing past purveyors of claptrap, hogwash, and dogcrap.

By Fred Gailey

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