“Did you see what we did to those tea-sipping, britches-wearing, pip-pipping lobster backs back in 1776? And the Nazis? Don’t forget the Nazis. The French’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for us. Hell, we even kicked our own asses that one time,” a slurred of speech United States spent their birthday rambling on about. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME BITCHES!! I’ll kick your ass. Yours too. All the asses. Iran, fafghanistan, the Eur-rope. All the countries. Canada-eh. God, I hate those maple flags. We’ve got bombs you don’t know nothin’ about. Our fireworksss are louderdanallgitout cuz freedom.”

Before the fireworks, the nation was already all tuckered out beneath the flag, muttering “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” and saying, “Look, I’ve got my cock all gunned and loaded.”

By Emily Sanchez