“I was imprisoned with no parole for 24 hours. No access to my favorite 280 characters, no followers, no all caps rants. Is this what real prison is like? I hope not. I don't want to know. Well, I should, you know, in case I have to throw Eric under the bus. I could ask Paul Manafort, but I don't like talking to losers.”
Nevada Promises To Finish Counting Before Biden’s Inauguration
“To the nation, you have our word that we’ll have 100% of the votes counted in this very close race before or on the day Joe Biden gets sworn in.”
Nevada Governor Hires Person With Stick To Intermittently Poke Ballot Counters
“Old Bill McGill here has decades of poking experience,” said Governor Sisolak. “We have total confidence that he’ll keep those ballot counters from nodding off or posting Instas, which have been the sole reasons for the delay.
Nation Remembers The Man Who Spread Disease In America. Also, Columbus.
On October 12, a few remaining areas of the United States still commemorate an awful person who spread disease throughout the continent. It is also, coincidentally, Columbus Day.
Bezos Fears Amazon COVID Cases Might Hurt Reputation Of Warehouse Conditions
"We were shocked to see these high COVID numbers; our warehouses are infamous for being a very fun and very safe environment for our high turnover staff. That said, we're working on making our work conditions safer. On a positive note, we will soon be launching our brand new Prime+ membership where you can expect your deliveries to arrive within an hour after ordering!"
Presidential Debate The Most Exciting Thing To Happen In Cleveland In Decades
“I still remember in 1995 when the Browns last qualified for the playoffs. What a rush!” Said local loser Aaron Feldman. “This presidential debate will be our new legacy!”
Bumper Stickers Most Effective Way To Make People Listen To You When No One Else Will
There's no better way to force your thoughts down the throats of others than to paste those words on a sticker — in all caps and a bold font, of course — and slap that bad boy on the back of your ride until the drivers behind you are bored enough at an extended red light to notice that you have something to say.
BREAKING: 4-Year-Old About To Pull Off Some Sweet Parkour!
With the confidence of a triathlon champion and the skillset of a 70-year-old that's been cut off by the bartender, Noah Treliving crouches in preparation for what will undoubtedly be the sweetest achievement of his life.
Old Man On Bing To Google Google
"I always type 'give me Google' in the Bing box. Such a smart box, too. It always finds Google! My daughter also told me not to listen to my friends and stop asking Jeeves."