"Fifty years ago, our bootstrap supply was flourishing. But with our current state of manufacturing, we haven't successfully received a bootstrap since 1992. Truthfully, the only viable alternative at this point would be to seize the means of bootstrap production."
“Our liberties were at stake during World War 2 just as they are now. Freedom isn't free, and if we need to deploy thousands of troops onto European beaches and take out countless lives so we can have the freedom to tour Europe's many beautiful countries while not wearing masks or social distancing, so be it!”
“We don't want to speak to the manager. We manage our inconveniences through self-reflection and appreciation of why businesses don't honor 10-year-old coupons. Only once in my life have I called for a manager; there were pubes in my pasta, and even then I felt guilty calling them over.”
“When I go shopping, I purposely forget basic ingredients just so I can go back out,” Becky says. “I used to have the TV all to myself in the morning, but now Jason's asking me what we want to do today while I'm watching The View. Bitch, can't you see Whoopi's talking?”
“Today is a historic day for the merger of the worlds of plant-based foods and 90s R&B,” Beyond Meat CEO Ethan Brown announced.
“I want to thank Mike for all of his hard work leading the Coronavirus Task Force, but we need Americans cleaning their lungs, and who better to be in charge than Mr. Clean himself? Look at that bald head and smile. Isn't he beautiful, folks?”
“He tried to cover up by saying he was masturbating, but I knew the only balls he was massaging were his eyeballs, and clearly that was his nose he was rubbing his hand up and down on.”
Who are these Ivy League assholes to tell us that our lives are worse off delving into countless shitposting pages of my favorite childhood shows until I realize I start work in 4 hours??
Whole Foods' Pacific Northwest Regional Manager divulged, “We're contacting as many suppliers as we can to restock our lines of organic, biodynamic, and ayurvedic toilet paper, but in the meantime, have you thought about buying some tarragon? We have loads of that. I think it's meant for seafood or some shit.”
Booth 37 ain't nuthing ta fuck wit