“I was imprisoned with no parole for 24 hours. No access to my favorite 280 characters, no followers, no all caps rants. Is this what real prison is like? I hope not. I don't want to know. Well, I should, you know, in case I have to throw Eric under the bus. I could ask Paul Manafort, but I don't like talking to losers.”
“To the nation, you have our word that we’ll have 100% of the votes counted in this very close race before or on the day Joe Biden gets sworn in.”
“Old Bill McGill here has decades of poking experience,” said Governor Sisolak. “We have total confidence that he’ll keep those ballot counters from nodding off or posting Instas, which have been the sole reasons for the delay.
On October 12, a few remaining areas of the United States still commemorate an awful person who spread disease throughout the continent. It is also, coincidentally, Columbus Day.
"We were shocked to see these high COVID numbers; our warehouses are infamous for being a very fun and very safe environment for our high turnover staff. That said, we're working on making our work conditions safer. On a positive note, we will soon be launching our brand new Prime+ membership where you can expect your deliveries to arrive within an hour after ordering!"
“I still remember in 1995 when the Browns last qualified for the playoffs. What a rush!” Said local loser Aaron Feldman. “This presidential debate will be our new legacy!”
There's no better way to force your thoughts down the throats of others than to paste those words on a sticker — in all caps and a bold font, of course — and slap that bad boy on the back of your ride until the drivers behind you are bored enough at an extended red light to notice that you have something to say.
With the confidence of a triathlon champion and the skillset of a 70-year-old that's been cut off by the bartender, Noah Treliving crouches in preparation for what will undoubtedly be the sweetest achievement of his life.
"I always type 'give me Google' in the Bing box. Such a smart box, too. It always finds Google! My daughter also told me not to listen to my friends and stop asking Jeeves."