“I was horrified to hear that some people spend this hallowed day intoxicated. If you think I'd want my establishments open and slinging beers to the masses, think again,” scoffed Paul Wilson, who manages some of the most iconic Irish pubs in Boston.
“While it may seem strange that I placed the male G-spot about six inches inside the sphincter — the perfect distance to be reached by a penis or other phallic implement — please remember the utmost importance of not playing inside your butt. An unpenetrated butthole is a sanctified butthole.”
Israel and Palestine credit their pact to "that free-spirited woman that smelled of patchouli and freedom". "When I saw her waving that COEXIST flag made out of different religious symbols," the Israeli representative reported, "I thought to myself, 'Why hate when we can celebrate?'"
"Our research statistics overwhelmingly confirm that abstaining from the countless shitbait spattered all over Vice's website — combined with an increase in physical endurance — will greatly reduce your chances of developing many types of cancer, including throat and bowel cancer."
While we are not happy about seeing slimmer immigrants still sneaking across the border, it is a major victory for our country to put a stop to illegal border crossings from grotesquely overweight immigrants," Mitch McConnell said with his famous resting-bitch-face smile.