Pixar has a new film coming out, and no doubt it's going to be epic. Do you know what other epic thing is happening this year? This god damn Shiraz stain on my brand new Cashmere sweater, that's what.
“With his time-traveling capability, Keanu could easily be hooking up with younger-era women. Instead of chasing after a medieval princess, though, Keanu settled with someone from the same historical time span. This is empowering to all 21st Century women!”
I want to thank every Canadian that voted for me in this First Past The Post system, which I pledged to get rid of.
“That's twelve distinct photos of his smug toddler smirk on that beady-eyed, punchable face that only a mother could love. Now compare that to me, the world's sexiest leader, with my chiseled, Ken doll face. Which Canada will you invest in?”
"We are extremely confident that your child will put down whatever toy was previously holding their attention in favor of our hottest new product: whatever that kid over there is having fun with," The Fisher Price keynote speaker claimed.
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“It's hard to see from far away, but the links are all heart-shaped,” she explains while leaning forward, revealing the design against her recently-augmented breasts.
“Look at this joker, deluding himself into thinking Back In Black is a reason Johnson is better,” Frost says while teething on his silicone giraffe before writing his response on a Reddit thread.
"Often my emotions respond more to making a shitload of money than to sympathy."
Bob and Marge Holstein, owners of West Coast Fudgery, have just celebrated their shop's fortieth year of selling uncredited "world famous fudge."