"No son of mine wears perfume! I've been working in the coal mines all day and you come home smelling...aromatic?"
After losing both of its parents in a horrible sieve accident, a bag of plain flour now has no choice but to become self-raising.
The advent of the modern Mechanical Unmanned Signature Posting Clasp (or "sign post") was feared to be the biggest threat to sign-holding-guy jobs in the 21st century, and the results speak for themselves.
"The Republicans' newest relief package will leave over 10 million Americans without resources, being murdered in a coliseum for sport," explained Pelosi. "However, our progressive new bill will make it illegal to feed more than 5 million people to lions at a given time. And at least 30% have to be women."
By 2040, the entire city of Miami may be buried underneath insufferable assholes.
"Life is a mountain that we're all climbing, but that doesn't mean it's a race. Be sure to stop along the way and eat the roses. Or leaves, weeds, someone's shoelaces, whatever you can find."
"It's important you speak to your children about never entering a strange van, even with a country they trust. My parents always made it sound like I was going to get kidnapped by some government I'd never met, probably with a beard and scars and 'Stan' in their name."
"This strange aberration flies in the face of everything we understood about Caucasian biology. We'll be giving him corrective surgery immediately. It's a miracle he's even held together at all."
"Let's not pretend any of us have a clue what 'Shareef don't like it, rock the casbah' means. No one does, including us. Let's just all agree it's fun to sing and leave it at that."
Last I heard, Britain didn't have hospitals running out of beds and bankrupting millions, but by all means, enjoy having to pay slightly less for tea.