"I’ve won so many races in my lifetime and was ready for a new adventure, so I threw my hooves into gay conversion therapy."
It is tough to cram five hours of social media into a typical eight hour workday. So, breathe. Relax. Scroll. Today is meant for you to enjoy.
"Don't you fall apart on me. We'll get through this."
The incumbent mayor is accused of misappropriating nearly nine thousand ketchup packets from the city's coffers directly into his personal vault.
"Just as soon as I was talking about buying Greenland, the Democrats were kind enough to hand me some kind of great new deal on all green lands. Of course, I signed the papers immediately before they could back down. What a bunch of suckers."
"For me, it was watching Naruto at my dad's house every second weekend. Sometimes Dad would even sit down and watch with me for a couple of minutes. They were the best times of my life. I miss him."
Try saying hi to your cashier three places early in the line. Suddenly, the facade drops. Instead of smiling and asking about your day, your act of friendliness is met with a confused glare. But that's not all. Try doing what I did: Wait for her to finish her shift, stay 50-100 feet away from her at all times, follow her to her car, and then try saying hi. Suddenly, Ms. "Did You Find Everything Okay?" is gone, revealing the neurotic, indignant hag she really is.