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Author: William Boffa

December 22, 2020October 26, 2022 William Boffa Uncategorized

The 10 Best Christmas Carols And Why They’re All Just The ‘Five Golden Rings’ Part Of That One Song

Honestly, it's absurd that we're even trying to make new Christmas music as long as "fiiiiiive goooooooolllld riiiings!" still exists. We will never be able to capture this glory again. Just let it go.

August 10, 2020August 10, 2020 William Boffa Uncategorized

New Axe Body Spray Makes You Smell Nice, Like A Sissy Girl

"No son of mine wears perfume! I've been working in the coal mines all day and you come home smelling...aromatic?"

August 8, 2020August 8, 2020 William Boffa Uncategorized

Recently Orphaned Bag Of Flour Forced To Self-Raise

After losing both of its parents in a horrible sieve accident, a bag of plain flour now has no choice but to become self-raising.

August 5, 2020August 5, 2020 William Boffa Uncategorized

Automation Finally Kills Global Sign-Holding-Guy Industry

The advent of the modern Mechanical Unmanned Signature Posting Clasp (or "sign post") was feared to be the biggest threat to sign-holding-guy jobs in the 21st century, and the results speak for themselves.

August 3, 2020August 3, 2020 William Boffa Uncategorized

In Effort To Compromise, Democrats Propose Only Putting Half Of Nation’s Poor In Gladiator Arenas

"The Republicans' newest relief package will leave over 10 million Americans without resources, being murdered in a coliseum for sport," explained Pelosi. "However, our progressive new bill will make it illegal to feed more than 5 million people to lions at a given time. And at least 30% have to be women."

July 29, 2020July 29, 2020 William Boffa Uncategorized

List Of People Who Should Fuck Off Growing Exponentially

By 2040, the entire city of Miami may be buried underneath insufferable assholes.

July 24, 2020July 24, 2020 William Boffa Uncategorized

Goat Self-Help Book Encourages Readers To Stop And Eat The Roses

"Life is a mountain that we're all climbing, but that doesn't mean it's a race. Be sure to stop along the way and eat the roses. Or leaves, weeds, someone's shoelaces, whatever you can find."

July 21, 2020July 21, 2020 William Boffa Uncategorized

Most Abductions Committed By Government The Person Knows

"It's important you speak to your children about never entering a strange van, even with a country they trust. My parents always made it sound like I was going to get kidnapped by some government I'd never met, probably with a beard and scars and 'Stan' in their name."

July 14, 2020July 14, 2020 William Boffa Uncategorized

White Person Rushed To Surgery After Radiologist Finds Not A Racist Bone In Body

"This strange aberration flies in the face of everything we understood about Caucasian biology. We'll be giving him corrective surgery immediately. It's a miracle he's even held together at all."

July 7, 2020July 26, 2020 William Boffa Uncategorized

The Clash Admit They Don’t Know What The Hell A Casbah Is Either

"Let's not pretend any of us have a clue what 'Shareef don't like it, rock the casbah' means. No one does, including us. Let's just all agree it's fun to sing and leave it at that."

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