Honestly, it's absurd that we're even trying to make new Christmas music as long as "fiiiiiive goooooooolllld riiiings!" still exists. We will never be able to capture this glory again. Just let it go.
New Axe Body Spray Makes You Smell Nice, Like A Sissy Girl
"No son of mine wears perfume! I've been working in the coal mines all day and you come home smelling...aromatic?"
Recently Orphaned Bag Of Flour Forced To Self-Raise
After losing both of its parents in a horrible sieve accident, a bag of plain flour now has no choice but to become self-raising.
Automation Finally Kills Global Sign-Holding-Guy Industry
The advent of the modern Mechanical Unmanned Signature Posting Clasp (or "sign post") was feared to be the biggest threat to sign-holding-guy jobs in the 21st century, and the results speak for themselves.
In Effort To Compromise, Democrats Propose Only Putting Half Of Nation’s Poor In Gladiator Arenas
"The Republicans' newest relief package will leave over 10 million Americans without resources, being murdered in a coliseum for sport," explained Pelosi. "However, our progressive new bill will make it illegal to feed more than 5 million people to lions at a given time. And at least 30% have to be women."
List Of People Who Should Fuck Off Growing Exponentially
By 2040, the entire city of Miami may be buried underneath insufferable assholes.
Goat Self-Help Book Encourages Readers To Stop And Eat The Roses
"Life is a mountain that we're all climbing, but that doesn't mean it's a race. Be sure to stop along the way and eat the roses. Or leaves, weeds, someone's shoelaces, whatever you can find."
Most Abductions Committed By Government The Person Knows
"It's important you speak to your children about never entering a strange van, even with a country they trust. My parents always made it sound like I was going to get kidnapped by some government I'd never met, probably with a beard and scars and 'Stan' in their name."
White Person Rushed To Surgery After Radiologist Finds Not A Racist Bone In Body
"This strange aberration flies in the face of everything we understood about Caucasian biology. We'll be giving him corrective surgery immediately. It's a miracle he's even held together at all."
The Clash Admit They Don’t Know What The Hell A Casbah Is Either
"Let's not pretend any of us have a clue what 'Shareef don't like it, rock the casbah' means. No one does, including us. Let's just all agree it's fun to sing and leave it at that."