"Our cashiers have been instructed to ask for donations at the end of every transaction," said store manager Anna Skinner. "They're really motivated to end world hunger, particularly because they themselves are very hungry."
"For too long, Mexico has been making a mockery of us by taking ordinary punctuation and literally flipping it upside-down. Today, we came together and told them that we're not going to put up with that kind of headfuckery anymore. We will fight to make sure that this decision, just like their exclamation marks, will never be overturned."
"Yes, we're having a few hiccups firing up the old computer and figuring out who voted for who. But in the end, it doesn't even matter who wins, because there's only one candidate who truly impressed us: you voters who came out and worked so hard to make your voices heard."
"It was so funny, Mom! We were all standing on the table quoting that Monty Python scene you love [while absolutely pinging on molly and coke], and then we all broke into song!"
Despite what will be a valiant attempt at maintaining his New Year’s resolution to lose 40 pounds, local football fan Devin Waters will deliver the death knell to his January 1st diet come Super Bowl Sunday.
I just refuse to be associated with such asshole supporters! It's for that reason I've decided to support a different candidate and abandon all my previous opinions about keeping poor people alive.
We figured we'd save the $400,000 in maintenance fees and just let the patent expire.
"We do plan to retain our titles and income, but the job itself has become unbearable."
"For decades, our nation has lamented the fact that John Adams is likely oscillating in his coffin," said a spokesperson. "But we're only now discovering that our Founding Fathers' rotational exasperation at the state of America today is a source of clean, white-hot fuel, comparable to over 15,000 nuclear reactors."
Purrard said he felt like he was “living his emeow years all over again.”