"The year was dickety dickety..."
Republican Leaders Debate How Many Minutes They Have To Wait To Acquit President
"We must be mindful to tread ever-so-carefully over the Constitution."
Semi-Annual Mansplaining Conference Later This Month (‘Semi-Annual’ Means Twice A Year)
Sessions include: "Whoa, Calm Down, You Obviously Misunderstood Me" and "Actually, That's Not Exactly What That Means"
Prince Harry Picks Up A Few Uber Shifts To Get Family Through To Next Royalty Check
"Things are kind of tight right now, so this will be enough to tide us over a bit. Plus, sometimes I bring Archie along for the ride, and it puts him right to sleep. We'll be okay. Oi — give me a top rating, will ya? Cheers, mates," Prince Harry told the horde of paparazzi … Continue reading Prince Harry Picks Up A Few Uber Shifts To Get Family Through To Next Royalty Check
Harvey Weinstein Wears Dog Cone To Prevent Self From Licking Balls In Court
New York — The judge ordered Mr. Weinstein to wear the cone after he had to be repeatedly told to stop licking and tugging his testicles during the proceedings. "I didn't know where to look. It was very distracting," a source from inside the courtroom stated. "This should really help us all to focus much … Continue reading Harvey Weinstein Wears Dog Cone To Prevent Self From Licking Balls In Court
Mom Loves Her Gift, No Really, She Loves It
"I'll, I'll be right back. I'm going to take care of some things in the kitchen. It's fine. I love it, really."
Proud Trump Boasts Not Even Obama Was Impeached
"I got two Articles. Obama had none."
Trump Ascends To Heaven After Being Crucified By Congress
"I've been persecuted more than anyone ever. They're all saying no one has ever been through anything this bad."
Mike Pence Refuses To Don Gay Apparel
There will also be zero fa-la-la-la-la-ing.
Every Saturday Is Small Business Saturday When You Have A Tiny Penis
"It's actually not funny," said AMA spokesman Clint Matthews. "Millions of men suffer from small dick syndrome. He is the guy who never leaves the gym. The man with the big truck and deafening muffler. The suit-clad man berating the waitress because he ordered double bacon and this turkey club clearly has the normal amount of bacon. The gun-nut."