Biden Damn Near Loses Finger Fishing Fireworks ‘Dud’ Out Of Beer Can

Doctors worked quickly to save President Joe Biden's right pointer finger after he lost it in a home fireworks mishap. "Dang sparkler thing wouldn't go off. We waited and waited. Jilly told me to just let it go, but I knew if I could just get in there that dang Budweiser can and re-light it, … Continue reading Biden Damn Near Loses Finger Fishing Fireworks ‘Dud’ Out Of Beer Can

Drunk Nation Spends Entire Birthday Promising To Kick Everyone’s Asses

"Did you see what we did to those tea-sipping, britches-wearing, pip-pipping lobster backs back in 1776? And the Nazis? Don't forget the Nazis. The French'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us. Hell, we even kicked our own asses that one time," a slurred of speech United States spent their birthday rambling on about. … Continue reading Drunk Nation Spends Entire Birthday Promising To Kick Everyone’s Asses

Kindergarteners Perform Bill Burr Philly Rant For End-Of-Year Parent Night

"We spent months rehearsing this," kindergarten teacher Macy Lin said of the classic profanity-laced tirade against a bunch of ingrates. "I had to tell the kiddies to make sure not to rehearse in front of their parents because it was supposed to be a big surprise. And man, was it ever! The shock in the … Continue reading Kindergarteners Perform Bill Burr Philly Rant For End-Of-Year Parent Night

Bizarre Overcorrection: Florida Yearbook Adds Extra Cleavage To All Photos

After one Florida high school has taken heat this week for editing "inappropriate" photos, another overcorrected, making an entirely new mistake all their own. Manatee High School's yearbook staff hastily added some deep cleave to all. the. photos. Even Frankie the Fighting Manatee got a boob job. "We figured we'd go all out," explained the … Continue reading Bizarre Overcorrection: Florida Yearbook Adds Extra Cleavage To All Photos

White People Relieved As Guilty Verdict Rights Centuries Of Racial Injustice

"We're cool now, right? I mean - slavery, whew, what was that? Now, *that* was crazy," asked millions of white Americans after former officer Chauvin was found guilty of all three counts in the murder of George Floyd. "You know I voted for Obama, don't you? I was all set to go protest the verdict, … Continue reading White People Relieved As Guilty Verdict Rights Centuries Of Racial Injustice