"We spent months rehearsing this," kindergarten teacher Macy Lin said of the classic profanity-laced tirade against a bunch of ingrates. "I had to tell the kiddies to make sure not to rehearse in front of their parents because it was supposed to be a big surprise. And man, was it ever! The shock in the … Continue reading Kindergarteners Perform Bill Burr Philly Rant For End-Of-Year Parent Night
After one Florida high school has taken heat this week for editing "inappropriate" photos, another overcorrected, making an entirely new mistake all their own. Manatee High School's yearbook staff hastily added some deep cleave to all. the. photos. Even Frankie the Fighting Manatee got a boob job. "We figured we'd go all out," explained the … Continue reading Bizarre Overcorrection: Florida Yearbook Adds Extra Cleavage To All Photos
"I got your gas right here."
"I just can't stand that orange Cheeto."
"We're cool now, right? I mean - slavery, whew, what was that? Now, *that* was crazy," asked millions of white Americans after former officer Chauvin was found guilty of all three counts in the murder of George Floyd. "You know I voted for Obama, don't you? I was all set to go protest the verdict, … Continue reading White People Relieved As Guilty Verdict Rights Centuries Of Racial Injustice
"Would you deny this devoted community servant his id's primal desires?" Attorney Eric Nelson pleaded with jurors. "Imagine yourself in his shoes: always wanting to slowly suffocating a man to death, never giving in to the bloodthirst. Day in, day out. Well he had had enough, I say. Enough! What if it were you? Would … Continue reading Defense: Chauvin Had To Kneel On Floyd’s Neck Because He Really Wanted To
"Do not believe this smear campaign against me," Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz appealed to voters. "These people have been out to get me since the first time my perfectly coiffed hair entered a 10th grade class on a campaign tour. It is vile to think I'd ever tap a 17-year-old when we all know the … Continue reading Matt Gaetz Denies Relationship With 17 Yr Old: I’d Never Go Older Than 15
After a rocky rollout of the J&J and Pfizer vaccines in Florida, the New Jersey-based Merk & Co has announced a Sunshine State-specific COVID vaccine. "We know they like dirty needles down there, but Pfizer's being really persnickety about not reusing them. Then it hit us. How can we convince all Floridians to take this … Continue reading Drug Company Develops Vaccine Powder For Florida Residents To Snort
"I'm one of them now."
"I am shocked, shocked, that the American people are on board with cold hard cash in their sweaty palms," the Senator told reporters. "I remember when Yang was talking about a monthly check, and I thought 'no way, no way would anyone not want to live in abject poverty.' Boy, is my face red. Here … Continue reading Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money