"Would you deny this devoted community servant his id's primal desires?" Attorney Eric Nelson pleaded with jurors. "Imagine yourself in his shoes: always wanting to slowly suffocating a man to death, never giving in to the bloodthirst. Day in, day out. Well he had had enough, I say. Enough! What if it were you? Would … Continue reading Defense: Chauvin Had To Kneel On Floyd’s Neck Because He Really Wanted To
"Do not believe this smear campaign against me," Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz appealed to voters. "These people have been out to get me since the first time my perfectly coiffed hair entered a 10th grade class on a campaign tour. It is vile to think I'd ever tap a 17-year-old when we all know the … Continue reading Matt Gaetz Denies Relationship With 17 Yr Old: I’d Never Go Older Than 15
After a rocky rollout of the J&J and Pfizer vaccines in Florida, the New Jersey-based Merk & Co has announced a Sunshine State-specific COVID vaccine. "We know they like dirty needles down there, but Pfizer's being really persnickety about not reusing them. Then it hit us. How can we convince all Floridians to take this … Continue reading Drug Company Develops Vaccine Powder For Florida Residents To Snort
"I'm one of them now."
"I am shocked, shocked, that the American people are on board with cold hard cash in their sweaty palms," the Senator told reporters. "I remember when Yang was talking about a monthly check, and I thought 'no way, no way would anyone not want to live in abject poverty.' Boy, is my face red. Here … Continue reading Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money
What a deal!
After an exciting journey, the Perseverance gave space-enthusiasts everywhere a front row view itself taking in the sights of the red planet. It took hours to correct the problem, there it was, just snapping away like Grandpa visiting Japan for the first time since the war. "My God, it's spectacular," exclaimed NASA's Acting Administrator Steve … Continue reading Mars Rover Ruins First Shot By Accidentally Having Camera In Selfie Mode
"Not that it's real, but whatever was causing all of Texas to be caught under an avalanche, supposed 'global warming' or whatever nonsense hooey, it is clear that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is at fault," Senator Ted Cruz told reporters. "It's just like what Tucker Carlson says, 'How's the weather supposed to pay attention to what it's … Continue reading Republicans Blame ‘Global Warming Or Whatever Libs Call It’ On AOC’s Hot Body
"I went to Mexico because I love my family. I'm a good dad. If you love your family, you should go too. Our pipe's are frozen. Or our windmills, something like that. All I know is it's AOC's fault, and it's cold af here," Cruz told reporters at the airport. "Geez, get off my back. … Continue reading Ted Cruz Recommends All Fellow Texans Fly To Cancún Until Snowstorm Passes
"DON'T TREAD ON ME, NANCY!!" protestors chanted at the monthly Capitol insurrection, fresh from a Presidents' Day clearance sale at Bass Pro Shops.