Health Report: Two-Faced Bitches Still Only Need One Mask

As confusion sets in over who should be wearing a mask, and whether or not they actually limit the spread of COVID-19, a recent health report put out by the World Health Organization clarified that you only need one mask, despite your many personalities. "Even fake-ass slut balls can get by with just one mask. … Continue reading Health Report: Two-Faced Bitches Still Only Need One Mask

Biden Promises One Roll Of Toilet Paper To Everyone Who Votes For Him

"Look, in these tough times, I want to show the American people that I can get us through anything. My opponent may have a detailed plan to get every American free, basic healthcare, but that's not the issue right now. The issue is this virus. And that we don't have toilet paper. Sometimes you got … Continue reading Biden Promises One Roll Of Toilet Paper To Everyone Who Votes For Him

Sanders And Biden Suffer Critical Injuries During Rambunctious Elbow-Greeting

The audio team at CNN's primary debate stage all reported that they had never heard such a ghastly sound come through their headsets before. Production Director Ted said, "Oh God, it sounded like a cross between a line cook snapping some celery in the kitchen, and the jaws of life prying open a smashed-in Buick … Continue reading Sanders And Biden Suffer Critical Injuries During Rambunctious Elbow-Greeting