"Even its syrup is racist."
WASHINGTON After being roasted online for struggling to dead lift a cup of water during during his West Point commencement speech, President Trump marched to St. John's Church, doused protesters with tear gas, and lifted up his favorite glass of water for the world to see. "See? I lift it. I lift it every morning, … Continue reading Trump Marches To Church To Show He Can Hold Up Water Glass With One Hand
Dearborn, MI— "I've spent a lot of time researching the best ways to feng shui. I want to respect the tradition, and not go around white-washing history. It's an ancient art form, and she'll be here in 3-4 weeks," Gordon Reese told his roommate, Brian Garry. Upon further questioning, Garry reported it became clear to … Continue reading Guy Likes Feng Shui As Long As Feng Shui Means Have Sex With Blowup Dolls
WASHINGTON— In a shocking 6-3 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court, which includes former promising high school rapist Brett Kavanaugh somehow, has ruled that gays and trans-gendered are people for the most part. The Court has decided that the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which ended segregation in public places and banned employment discrimination on the … Continue reading Supreme Court Rules Gays Can Also Be Called People For Most Part
Researchers for the World Health Organization and the National Institutes of Health have identified the main culprit of injuries in adults over 28: yawning weird. "We don't know what it is about the year 29, but as soon as you hit it, your body becomes more susceptible to even the slightest awkward move," the study … Continue reading Report: ‘Yawning Weird’ Is Leading Cause Of Injury In Adults Over 28
Phoenix, AZ— "I'm sick of all this BLM stuff, and people calling me a racest POS just because I think all lives matter and that everyone is just a bunch of whiny snowflake fucktards," Carl Larusa posted on Facebook. "I can hate whoever I want, white people, black people, purple people. Get the fuck over … Continue reading Guy Who’s Not Racist Weirdly Assumes Anti-Racist Post About Him
In recognition of the all-to-often gross mistreatment of black Americans at the hands of police officers, Presidential candidate Joe Biden has promised all Americans that he will make it his mission to right this wrong. "I know people keep talking about that crime bill from the '90's, but quit living in the past. The future … Continue reading Biden Pledges To Get Law Enforcement Under Control By Sniffing Out The Bad Cops
"Our old chairs aren't even ergonomic," explained Alexanria Ocasio-Cortez. "This matters. The time is now. I'm so proud of my colleagues for standing up for what is right. Rolly chairs are the future."
Goodbye, Zoom. Goodbye, children.
LONDON "I'm getting right tired of these little gits online," recent Londoner transport Gavin Mitchum reported. "Oi, they really fink they're something, the whole lot of them's nothing but a bunch of nutters. I'd pop open a tin of whoop ass on the blokes if I didn't think my mum would get so upset. Mad. … Continue reading Real British Tough Guy Threatens To Open A Tin Of Whoop-Ass