Pelosi Cuts Own Bangs After Being Shamed For Illegal Salon Visit

San Francisco, CA— After being caught on camera violating a San Francisco city ordinance that prevents salons from operating indoors, Speaker Nancy Pelosi chopped off her own bangs to protest the public's ridicule. "Look at what you've done to me! Is this what you want? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" Pelosi shouted, gripping a pair of … Continue reading Pelosi Cuts Own Bangs After Being Shamed For Illegal Salon Visit

White House Chef Worried Biden Will Require More Than Microwaved Corn Dogs

"One time, I tried to make corn dogs from scratch at least, but Mr. President could not be fooled," White House Head Chef told reporters. "He sniffed out the difference immediately, and swatted the entire plate into the garbage. 'I only eat Walmart Great Value!' he shouted at me. So, now I know. I heat … Continue reading White House Chef Worried Biden Will Require More Than Microwaved Corn Dogs

Bleating Goat Wanders Onto Republican Stage, No One Notices

WASHINGTON On night 77 of the Republican National Convention, an exhausted lighting guy noticed a bleating, screaming goat on an empty stage. "Dude, is that supposed to be there? Where are all the people?" asked the 54-year-old gaffer. At publication time, the tech team was busy reviewing the footage to exactly how long the goat … Continue reading Bleating Goat Wanders Onto Republican Stage, No One Notices

Okay, But How Is Your Last Name ‘Cumming’ And You Haven’t Changed It?

We don't get it. Other than your last name, you seem like a perfectly normal couple. You have to know that everyone laughs when they say your name. You probably enjoy it. It'd be like if your last name was Areola, or Beaver, or Johnson. Stroker. What if it was Stroker? Just change it. They'll … Continue reading Okay, But How Is Your Last Name ‘Cumming’ And You Haven’t Changed It?

CDC Confirms Dipping Mask In Chloroform Will End This Whole Thing Much Faster

"Look, we're not recommending it or anything, but yes—giving your mask a good soak in some chloroform, and inhaling deeply will wrap this all up a whole lot quicker," the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes on their website. "The NIH, the WHO, the whole of the scientific community already knows this, though none … Continue reading CDC Confirms Dipping Mask In Chloroform Will End This Whole Thing Much Faster