San Francisco, CA— After being caught on camera violating a San Francisco city ordinance that prevents salons from operating indoors, Speaker Nancy Pelosi chopped off her own bangs to protest the public's ridicule. "Look at what you've done to me! Is this what you want? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" Pelosi shouted, gripping a pair of … Continue reading Pelosi Cuts Own Bangs After Being Shamed For Illegal Salon Visit
White House Chef Worried Biden Will Require More Than Microwaved Corn Dogs
"One time, I tried to make corn dogs from scratch at least, but Mr. President could not be fooled," White House Head Chef told reporters. "He sniffed out the difference immediately, and swatted the entire plate into the garbage. 'I only eat Walmart Great Value!' he shouted at me. So, now I know. I heat … Continue reading White House Chef Worried Biden Will Require More Than Microwaved Corn Dogs
Cardboard Cutout Insists He Could Have Hit That
"ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?! I could have hit that. My GRANDMA could have it that," shouted Gary Stevens, 44, with his cold, unfeeling eyes. "If my shoulder didn't get all tore up from when that guy Bill was jamming me into my seat, that could have been me out there." By Emily Sanchez
Bleating Goat Wanders Onto Republican Stage, No One Notices
WASHINGTON On night 77 of the Republican National Convention, an exhausted lighting guy noticed a bleating, screaming goat on an empty stage. "Dude, is that supposed to be there? Where are all the people?" asked the 54-year-old gaffer. At publication time, the tech team was busy reviewing the footage to exactly how long the goat … Continue reading Bleating Goat Wanders Onto Republican Stage, No One Notices
Melania Trump Hoping To Stay On In Biden Administration
"I don't need much. Just a small room in house. I fit in the corner. Please, don't make me go with him. Let me stay here," the First Lady appealed to Joe Biden before the RNC. "Jill very nice lady. And I will not get in her way. Mrs. Jill is a very lucky woman … Continue reading Melania Trump Hoping To Stay On In Biden Administration
Okay, But How Is Your Last Name ‘Cumming’ And You Haven’t Changed It?
We don't get it. Other than your last name, you seem like a perfectly normal couple. You have to know that everyone laughs when they say your name. You probably enjoy it. It'd be like if your last name was Areola, or Beaver, or Johnson. Stroker. What if it was Stroker? Just change it. They'll … Continue reading Okay, But How Is Your Last Name ‘Cumming’ And You Haven’t Changed It?
CDC Confirms Dipping Mask In Chloroform Will End This Whole Thing Much Faster
"Look, we're not recommending it or anything, but yes—giving your mask a good soak in some chloroform, and inhaling deeply will wrap this all up a whole lot quicker," the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes on their website. "The NIH, the WHO, the whole of the scientific community already knows this, though none … Continue reading CDC Confirms Dipping Mask In Chloroform Will End This Whole Thing Much Faster
Thousands Of Spiders Finally Hatch Out Of Steve Bannon’s Left Cheek
New life begins!
Biden Spends Chill Evening Playing Fortnite
"I like to keep it low key when there's not much else going on," Presidential candidate Joe Biden explained. "Heck, sometimes even when there's a ton going on, I like to break out the PlayStation or Switch and just let loose. Helps keep me on top of my game."