CDC Recommends Touching PIN Pad With Dick To Avoid Dirty Hands

"Due to the countless hands that have touched them, PIN pads are a breeding ground for germs," a spokesperson for the CDC told reporters. "We're advising that users use a dick to punch in their PIN. We realize that only about half of the population is in possession of a penis, so we're asking that … Continue reading CDC Recommends Touching PIN Pad With Dick To Avoid Dirty Hands

Warren Returns To Home State Of Massachusetts To Burn It All To The Ground

Home of gross baked beans — While torching the place, Senator Warren could be heard singing Lizzo's Truth Hurts. I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% that bitchEven when I'm crying crazyYeah, I got boy problems, that's the human in meBling bling, then I solve 'em, that's the goddess in meYou coulda … Continue reading Warren Returns To Home State Of Massachusetts To Burn It All To The Ground

Crowd-Surfing Warren Injured After Her Supporters Failed To Catch Her

During an energetic campaign rally, Senator Elizabeth Warren jumped off the stage into her adoring audience. However, despite their declarations of support, audience members quickly dove out of the way, allowing Warren to flop to the ground. The Senator quickly bounced up from the floor, but her pain was very apparent as she hobbled back … Continue reading Crowd-Surfing Warren Injured After Her Supporters Failed To Catch Her

Health Study: Americans Too Fat To Participate In Leap Year

In a new finding out of the American Journal of Medicine, a meta-analysis of over 300 million Americans has confirmed what the rest of the world already knows: Americans are too obese to do Leap Day. Lead researchers pointed out that most are probably reading this while downing a two-liter of Coke. The pudgy little … Continue reading Health Study: Americans Too Fat To Participate In Leap Year