"Due to the countless hands that have touched them, PIN pads are a breeding ground for germs," a spokesperson for the CDC told reporters. "We're advising that users use a dick to punch in their PIN. We realize that only about half of the population is in possession of a penis, so we're asking that … Continue reading CDC Recommends Touching PIN Pad With Dick To Avoid Dirty Hands
Melania Trump Self-Quarantines From Husband
"Goodbye, forever. Be best."
Warren Returns To Home State Of Massachusetts To Burn It All To The Ground
Home of gross baked beans — While torching the place, Senator Warren could be heard singing Lizzo's Truth Hurts. I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% that bitchEven when I'm crying crazyYeah, I got boy problems, that's the human in meBling bling, then I solve 'em, that's the goddess in meYou coulda … Continue reading Warren Returns To Home State Of Massachusetts To Burn It All To The Ground
Crowd-Surfing Warren Injured After Her Supporters Failed To Catch Her
During an energetic campaign rally, Senator Elizabeth Warren jumped off the stage into her adoring audience. However, despite their declarations of support, audience members quickly dove out of the way, allowing Warren to flop to the ground. The Senator quickly bounced up from the floor, but her pain was very apparent as she hobbled back … Continue reading Crowd-Surfing Warren Injured After Her Supporters Failed To Catch Her
Biden Endorses Obama
"I have no doubt. He is the man for the job."
Pence Reports Coronavirus Already Responding Well To Conversion Therapy
"Some don't believe in this type of science, but that is because they lack the necessary faith to read the data."
Victory! Biden Comes Up From Behind
"Thank you for showing the world that I touched you, South Carolina!"
Deep State Running Out Of Hoax Ideas
It's a labor of love.
Health Study: Americans Too Fat To Participate In Leap Year
In a new finding out of the American Journal of Medicine, a meta-analysis of over 300 million Americans has confirmed what the rest of the world already knows: Americans are too obese to do Leap Day. Lead researchers pointed out that most are probably reading this while downing a two-liter of Coke. The pudgy little … Continue reading Health Study: Americans Too Fat To Participate In Leap Year