“These kids should have just gotten into the back of the van,” said Police Chief Larry Doran. “They may have missed their chance to pet a puppy and get some free candy."
Overcrowded Heaven Not Accepting Anyone Until Addition Is Completed
Contractors in Heaven started work on a very large two-story addition late last year. It was expected to be finished in June, but after a safety inspection revealed areas inaccessible to those in wheelchairs, the opening was pushed back four months.
Aerosmith, Back On Drugs, Currently Recording What Will Be Their Best Album
The recording may take some time to finish, as drummer Joey Kramer was arrested last night for wrestling an imaginary bear at a KFC while naked and high on bath salts.
Dedicated Heroin Dealer Goes To Funeral Of Everyone Who ODs On His Stuff
“From dropping off overdosing friends at the ER from out of a moving car, to giving 15% discounts to people who just completed rehab — there is no denying that he is a true friend.”
Media Reminds Florida Citizens To Do Dumb Shit
Multiple media entities in the state of Florida issued a joint statement today reminding citizens which state they were in, after nearly two whole days without an embarrassing news story.
Honest Republican Congressional Candidate Admits He Doesn’t Give A Shit About You
Michaels plans on running the most honest campaign, and he is off to a great start: “Fuck you. Fuck everyone,"
Cop That ‘Doesn’t See Race’ Just Shoots Everyone
"They may as well all be black.”
Depressed Hamster To Get Emotional Support Human
“We figure we can feed it scraps and leftovers. And the water bottle in the cage is pretty big so they should be able to share if we fill it once a day.”
Immigrant Caught Trying To Smuggle Hopes and Dreams Across U.S. Border
They were immediately confiscated and destroyed.