“These kids should have just gotten into the back of the van,” said Police Chief Larry Doran. “They may have missed their chance to pet a puppy and get some free candy."
Contractors in Heaven started work on a very large two-story addition late last year. It was expected to be finished in June, but after a safety inspection revealed areas inaccessible to those in wheelchairs, the opening was pushed back four months.
The recording may take some time to finish, as drummer Joey Kramer was arrested last night for wrestling an imaginary bear at a KFC while naked and high on bath salts.
“From dropping off overdosing friends at the ER from out of a moving car, to giving 15% discounts to people who just completed rehab — there is no denying that he is a true friend.”
Multiple media entities in the state of Florida issued a joint statement today reminding citizens which state they were in, after nearly two whole days without an embarrassing news story.
By Ethan Moore
Michaels plans on running the most honest campaign, and he is off to a great start: “Fuck you. Fuck everyone,"
"They may as well all be black.”
“We figure we can feed it scraps and leftovers. And the water bottle in the cage is pretty big so they should be able to share if we fill it once a day.”
They were immediately confiscated and destroyed.