"It was all over the news last month. His drummer died. Everyone was talking about it. Very tragic. His name was Neil. He played the drums. And now he’s dead. Drums...now there’s no more drums."
"I need to think about things like this. I doubt my fans want to see my skin get wrinkly. I’m a famous rock star, I can’t look like an old man."
“These kids should have just gotten into the back of the van,” said Police Chief Larry Doran. “They may have missed their chance to pet a puppy and get some free candy."
Contractors in Heaven started work on a very large two-story addition late last year. It was expected to be finished in June, but after a safety inspection revealed areas inaccessible to those in wheelchairs, the opening was pushed back four months.
The recording may take some time to finish, as drummer Joey Kramer was arrested last night for wrestling an imaginary bear at a KFC while naked and high on bath salts.
“From dropping off overdosing friends at the ER from out of a moving car, to giving 15% discounts to people who just completed rehab — there is no denying that he is a true friend.”
Multiple media entities in the state of Florida issued a joint statement today reminding citizens which state they were in, after nearly two whole days without an embarrassing news story.
By Ethan Moore
Michaels plans on running the most honest campaign, and he is off to a great start: “Fuck you. Fuck everyone,"
"They may as well all be black.”