"It was all over the news last month. His drummer died. Everyone was talking about it. Very tragic. His name was Neil. He played the drums. And now he’s dead. Drums...now there’s no more drums."
Keith Richards Quits Smoking After Learning It Causes Premature Aging
"I need to think about things like this. I doubt my fans want to see my skin get wrinkly. I’m a famous rock star, I can’t look like an old man."
Windowless Van Actually Has Candy In Back
“These kids should have just gotten into the back of the van,” said Police Chief Larry Doran. “They may have missed their chance to pet a puppy and get some free candy."
Overcrowded Heaven Not Accepting Anyone Until Addition Is Completed
Contractors in Heaven started work on a very large two-story addition late last year. It was expected to be finished in June, but after a safety inspection revealed areas inaccessible to those in wheelchairs, the opening was pushed back four months.
Aerosmith, Back On Drugs, Currently Recording What Will Be Their Best Album
The recording may take some time to finish, as drummer Joey Kramer was arrested last night for wrestling an imaginary bear at a KFC while naked and high on bath salts.
Dedicated Heroin Dealer Goes To Funeral Of Everyone Who ODs On His Stuff
“From dropping off overdosing friends at the ER from out of a moving car, to giving 15% discounts to people who just completed rehab — there is no denying that he is a true friend.”
Media Reminds Florida Citizens To Do Dumb Shit
Multiple media entities in the state of Florida issued a joint statement today reminding citizens which state they were in, after nearly two whole days without an embarrassing news story.
Honest Republican Congressional Candidate Admits He Doesn’t Give A Shit About You
Michaels plans on running the most honest campaign, and he is off to a great start: “Fuck you. Fuck everyone,"
Cop That ‘Doesn’t See Race’ Just Shoots Everyone
"They may as well all be black.”