“Yeah, I have been smoking weed since 1994, but this is for my anxiety. It’s not about getting high,” says Nathan Morris while puffing on his 89% THC Blue Dream vape pen, clearly baked.
Quaker Oats insists that it is not really a big deal and says there are no plans to remove his title as 'Cap’n'. “We were working on some new cereal ideas, but we will need to wait for this to blow over before releasing Gen’ral O’s and Benghazi Berry Squares.”
“Every few days I get some attention. A can of soda, car keys, the mail. Something gets set down on me. But I know he’s gonna leave that bitch coffee table one of these days. And I will be here waiting.” By Ethan Moore, Photo by Fred Gailey
People are being encouraged to check for large chunks of proof after a man nearly lost his life eating some pudding yesterday.
“Hop on top, I wanna ride. I do a kegel when it’s inside” was changed to “Hop a lot, I wanna fly. I chew a bagel and ride my bike.”
“I saw her picture and thought that it would be a good idea to also drop some weight,” the singer said. “I always wanted to be skinny so I am very happy about doing this.”
"It was all over the news last month. His drummer died. Everyone was talking about it. Very tragic. His name was Neil. He played the drums. And now he’s dead. Drums...now there’s no more drums."
"I need to think about things like this. I doubt my fans want to see my skin get wrinkly. I’m a famous rock star, I can’t look like an old man."
“These kids should have just gotten into the back of the van,” said Police Chief Larry Doran. “They may have missed their chance to pet a puppy and get some free candy."